Embarking on an introspective journey, these reflections delve into the realization that “nothing of mine is needed by anyone.” As the story unfolds, explore the struggle for purpose and the internal conflict driving the protagonist’s quest for validation.
A thought comes to my mind, a thought around which I construct an entire story. And that story spins in my head, occupies my consciousness, and grinds away my will for anything else, for any kind of productive work. I sit down to write it down and in doing so, I chase it away and… got blocked. The first sentence I write easily, but the second one, not at all. I return to my thoughts.
No one needs these posts of mine. No one asked for them. After all, I haven’t gained anything from them. Well, I lie, I have, but that hardly justifies the effort I put into them. It makes me happy when I receive a like, a comment, or a message, but those are small pleasures. Perhaps I’m wrong, but my life wouldn’t be much different without them.
I didn’t want to write about this, but I thought it would be a good introduction to the next thought: I believe, I’m actually sure (and I’ve proven it many times before) that I can offer a lot to others. In every sense, in every way. However, I increasingly realize that nothing of mine is needed by anyone.
About two years ago, something broke inside me. As if I detached from the world. Why suddenly, I didn’t understand for a long time, and then I had a moment of enlightenment: I realized that I no longer see any realistic future scenario that justifies my past life. All the smiles I caused, all the words of support and encouragement I gave, all the favours I did, everything I wrote, learned or accomplished, everything I ever did… it was mostly in vain – it won’t pay off for me. I’ve invested too much, and even the biggest potential gain, in economic terms, won’t even cover the costs of investment.
Don’t misunderstand me, I didn’t live in a certain way to extract some specific benefit from life. No, I lived that way because I didn’t know any better. I didn’t give up any pleasures, I mostly did what I wanted in a way that suited me and seemed right to me. In everything, I gave either my all or, more often, more than others. It didn’t bother me.
Where did I go wrong? How much time have I spent trying to figure out the answer to that question?! I even searched for the exact moment from which this course began. The answer: my nature. First of all, I’m not inclined to seek help. I’d rather suffer for a long time and eventually find a solution on my own than reveal my weakness right from the start. That’s one-half of my “flawed” nature. The other: I don’t know what to do. Life doesn’t have clear rules and firm laws. And for me to be successful, someone needs to explain the rules to me and tell me what to do. Otherwise, in a situation where I don’t know what to do in order to achieve my goals, I improvise.
I’ve adopted a set of rules that I adhere to; I make modifications based on new experiences. And I come back to the main problem – I concluded that living my life according to such rules won’t “pay off” for me, and I don’t know any other way. A glimmer of hope exists, hope is a weed that can’t be eradicated, but I am a rational person. It’s very likely that no one knows what they should do, but I obviously do everything wrong.
And am I unhappy because of all this? Sort of. In the last two years, some kind of systemic sadness has nested within me that I can’t seem to dispel. Perhaps it even provides me with a kind of stability, but I still fight against it. I often indulge in some “madness,” a project that I expect will improve things. While I develop it, I’m content, full of enthusiasm and zeal, but when it’s time for me to be rewarded for my effort, the reward doesn’t come. “Nothing of mine is needed by anyone”. I repeat this to myself for several days, and then I dedicate myself to something new even though I know disappointment awaits me in the end, but until it arrives, at least I will feel more satisfied.
By nature, I am not a sad person. I love to laugh and make others laugh, but it seems to me that no one attaches as much importance to laughter as I do – that’s why I restrain myself. I am energetic, but no one wants to keep up with my energy – that’s why I increasingly appear sluggish.
By nature, I am not a sad person, but it’s becoming harder and harder for me not to be.
In the echoes of this introspective journey, one question lingers: Could there be an elusive path where the worth we seek is not defined by the world’s gaze? As the protagonist grapples with unyielding truths, an enigma emerges – a challenge not only to their beliefs but to every reader who has tread a similar path. What if, hidden within the struggle, lies the very essence of purpose? Share your thoughts below, unravel the enigma, and let your voice become a part of this shared exploration.